Style Dilemma: Hooker Dress Commando

Came in over email to dcceline.blogspot@gmail.com...

Dear DC Celine,

I need some fashion advice for an upcoming wedding. It's an outdoor affair and the weather promises to be pleasant. I have this old dress that still looks good on me but my friends tell me it looks like a "hooker dress." It's slinky and tight...sort of greenish in color. It's something you might see a dancer wear in a video from the 1980's but I have a decent body and I like the dress. I also have a pair of black high heels that look great with the dress. My question: should I wear the dress and, if so, should I wear underwear underneath?

Thanks,

Anonymous*

Dear Anonymous,

If you've got the body, go for it - but just not at a wedding! Think about it in terms of pictures...lovely bride, loving new husband, and then there's the friend in the "hooker dress" (for even if you don't see it that way, clearly someone does - pay attention to them!). Not how you want to be remembered. Of course, if you want to draw all the attention to yourself, and be The Girl in the Hooker Dress, be my guest - I'm not stopping you.

As for the second part of your question, underwear. Wear it, sure. Wear it and have it be visible, absolutely not. There are all sorts of pinching, tucking, pulling in, skinny, g-string, thong, cotton, synthetic options out there. In other words, get thee to a store and by a freakin' thong! I don't want to hear the "I don't like floss up my #$$," excuse, either. Suffer for the rest of us, dear. We don't want to see your undies.

Lastly, if you do go for it, just remember to ignore the tipsy, but ever-so-stylish woman with the gorgeous husband and hip friends in the buffet line who exclaims "secretly," but really it's just a little too loud (4 Cape Cods will do that to a girl), "It's a Hooker Dress!"

DC Celine

*The names will not remain nameless. Anonymous = M, trying to get me to write the story. He and Sugarplum were witnesses to this real-life dilemma - and the question he writes is the one that someone really, really, really should've asked.